Know Your Football

Let me start off by telling you that on the weekends I work at a golf course. I get paid to sit on my ass and watch college football and receive free golf. Over the past couple of weeks, I have been disgusted with the people that come in and are football retarded. To keep you from looking like a total homo, here is a list of things to remember when walking into a room with a football game on.


1. Don’t ask who’s playing. This is the cardinal sin that puts many men in the same category as women/homos. First, I have the fucking game on the TV so if you can’t read screen, so I most likely will not acknowledge your presence. If I do respond, most likely I will make up the teams just to laugh at you later.


2. Don’t ask the score of the game on the TV. See rule #1. It is ok to ask another games score that is not on the TV. Though, if you ask for scores in general I will either A) give you every single game that has played or B) make them up


3. Know sports background before making a comment. All I do all Saturday and Sunday is watch sports. I also spend a good amount of time every week day researching sports articles. If you make some stupid comment like "that Michigan State coach...whats his name...Carr?...yeah he’s really good", or "that Pam Ward had some interesting things to say today", you will receive a dirty look and a golf cart that will die on you on the 4th hole (the farthest point from the clubhouse).


4. Don’t make fun of the Illini. I will have an Illinois jacket on, so please don’t tell me Illinois sucks. Most likely you cannot name an Illini quarterback of the past 3 decades. If your thinking to yourself that wasn’t Chuck Long an Illinois QB? Wrong, you just flunked and have forfeited your right to make fun of the Illini. If you know that Juice went to Chicago Vocational before joining the Orange and Blue, then yes we can have an intelligent conversation on the future of the Illini.


5. Don’t spend all day staring at the screen in front of me. Chances are you have already broken one of the rules and I really would like you to move on now. You are starting to creep me out so GO TO THE BAR and annoy the bartender because most likely you will sound like a football genius to her.

6. FYI: I hate ESPN. Maybe you do have a comment. Dont get ahead of yourself old man, regurgitating what nonsense you heard on ESPN does not qualify. If you are a dead(spin)head like me or comment on an article from withleather.com, you my friend have just earned a free large range bucket.

Thanks for saving me and every sports fan out there a headache. If you do not happen to read this article, you retardeness will be noted in a following article titled, "retards of NW Illinois"

Just die already TO

So, TO made it in the new again today. Why ESPN thinks this is news I will never know. The only think covering TO more than ESPN is NFL corners this year. The only way he will ever go away is if we ignore him. This is a simple message to ESPN to stop covering this has-been wide reciever that has no respect for the game or his team.

"At some point, give me a little vet credit," said TO.

Yeah, Im sure in any other occupation thats exactly what happens. Grow up TO, catch your 2 TDs and 40 yrds in a loss, collect your 25 million, and just leave us alone

The Cubs Will Curse Your Team

I hate ESPN writers as much as the next underground sports blogist, but they may have stumbled upon something here. Bill Bucker was famous for his groundball blunder, but people forget he was a pretty good Cub. Over these last couple of years as The Red Sox and White Sox have won World Series, I started to believe that maybe this whole curse thing is just a hoax.

Well thanks to one of my White Sox-loving friends, I know now the Cubs are not only doomed, but may trick you into thinking that your team is also condemned to eternal losing. Did the Billy Goat make Bill wear the Cubs batting glove? Well, probably not but he'll fuck your team if you even think about bringing Cubs memorabilia near a World Series.

I don’t want to give ESPN too much credit, after all it was a 12 year old that mad this observation.

Back in '69 I Would have Given a Dog a Bone

I'll leave the world of sports for a while, to dedicate this post to my least favorite politician . Yes, you guessed it, that is Hillary Clinton to my right. Bill had to have inhaled if he was hitting that on a regular basis. The funny thing is that her opponent, John Spencer, might have a point that the only way she could have turned that hideous face into what it is now is through plastic surgery.

Not only a little plastic surgery, "millions of dollars" worth of it. Now this is a guy that should be broadcasting sports. And I quote, "I don't know why Bill married her". He quickly added that he would have no problem doing her now though, "She looks good now".

After Speaking to the reporter, he turned to his TV and exclaimed, "My man Columbo's on!'

No John Spencer, you are the man.

Dan Le baRETARD

Welcome to my second most-hated columnist of all time (a blind and deaf Down syndrome child has a chance at a Pulitzer than Jay Mariotti). His latest article is a masterpiece of incoherent dribble.

I read this article over and over looking for some hidden point, but it seems it just made me more retarded each time I read it. One might argue that he agrees with my views about the sports world being to political correct or as he puts it people are getting persecuted for being "real as a helmet to the head"(yes he actually said this).

Yet, he writes about how people being fired for speaking out but never himself does. Now I may be wrong, but if you are looking for an example to make an attempt at a point; UM broadcaster Lamar Thomas might not be the best choice. But hey, thats just me. By the way if you haven’t signed up to read this article, save your brain cells. (The pic I found by googling his name is priceless)

Fine, You Can Have Him

Heres a comical column from the sports metropolis of Oakland, CA. Being from Chicago and a Cubs fan, I really would like to go line for line on how off this moron is. I'll save you the novel and give you the highlights. It's almost as if hes in Seinfeld's Bizzaro World and the opposite of everything he says is the truth.

"Good luck with the Cubbies, Lou Piniella, if you're the next fall guy. "

Ken Macha won a division and a playoff series...Dusty Baker finished last in the pathetic national league...need I say more?


"Discussing leaders of men in baseball, you can put Baker right in there with Jim Leyland, Joe Torre and Bobby Cox "

wow, anything being short of retarded should give the answer here...if I need to look the stats up for you please have someone tighten your straight-jacket and stay far far away


"Baker led the Cubs into the 2003 National League Championship Series. If not for the infamous Steve Bartman, the Cubs might have beaten Florida."

Right before watching my 21 year old frat boy friends turn into crying little girls, I watched that game...and (a little know fact actually was a game) seven that did not feature Bartman. What about over pitching Prior? Where were you to rally the troops? I dont want to cry myself to sleep so I'm not going to touch this subject.

"If Beane makes Baker the A's first African-American manager, this will boost attendance among black baseball fans"

sure...

"If Beane hires Baker, maybe Barry Zito would take a few million less to play for this thoughtful man, who brings food to his players."

Yeah and maybe Hudson and Moulder will reattach thier arms and come back to play for Dusty. I know I would go stay Oakland to have some holy water sprinkled on me.


Well my head hurts just thinking about what we had to deal with the past four years. Maybe Billy Beane doesn't like his bases clogged.

Anyways, Oakland I truely hope you come to your sense but good luck...look on the bright side, Neifi Perez will soon be ther to add 5 walks in 300ABs to help keep you bases unclogged.

PREFACE
Like many other normal sports fans out there, we use sports as our outlet to get away from the mundane lifestyles that plagues the creativity that our culture once had. We all live in a corporate world and most of work in it too. We live a politically correct society that outcasts individuality that our parents fought for. I could live in this world as long as I had sports. Since the merger of ABC and ESPN, the corporate plague has infected the sports media as we are forced to watch water-downed ass-kissing blowhards, which have taken over the journalism profession. Now instead of a degree, all you need to report sports is either a pretty face, be an average player, or fail in the business side of sports. This site will mainly focus on destroying the credibility of so-called sports journalists. I will not limit it to sports personalities and writers alone, their player counterparts are fair game too. Hopefully, there are people that share my opinion and maybe be semi-interested in what I write. Enjoy!