Know Your Football
Let me start off by telling you that on the weekends I work at a golf course. I get paid to sit on my ass and watch college football and receive free golf. Over the past couple of weeks, I have been disgusted with the people that come in and are football retarded. To keep you from looking like a total homo, here is a list of things to remember when walking into a room with a football game on.
1. Don’t ask who’s playing. This is the cardinal sin that puts many men in the same category as women/homos. First, I have the fucking game on the TV so if you can’t read screen, so I most likely will not acknowledge your presence. If I do respond, most likely I will make up the teams just to laugh at you later.
2. Don’t ask the score of the game on the TV. See rule #1. It is ok to ask another games score that is not on the TV. Though, if you ask for scores in general I will either A) give you every single game that has played or B) make them up
3. Know sports background before making a comment. All I do all Saturday and Sunday is watch sports. I also spend a good amount of time every week day researching sports articles. If you make some stupid comment like "that Michigan State coach...whats his name...Carr?...yeah he’s really good", or "that Pam Ward had some interesting things to say today", you will receive a dirty look and a golf cart that will die on you on the 4th hole (the farthest point from the clubhouse).
4. Don’t make fun of the Illini. I will have an Illinois jacket on, so please don’t tell me Illinois sucks. Most likely you cannot name an Illini quarterback of the past 3 decades. If your thinking to yourself that wasn’t Chuck Long an Illinois QB? Wrong, you just flunked and have forfeited your right to make fun of the Illini. If you know that Juice went to Chicago Vocational before joining the Orange and Blue, then yes we can have an intelligent conversation on the future of the Illini.
5. Don’t spend all day staring at the screen in front of me. Chances are you have already broken one of the rules and I really would like you to move on now. You are starting to creep me out so GO TO THE BAR and annoy the bartender because most likely you will sound like a football genius to her.
1. Don’t ask who’s playing. This is the cardinal sin that puts many men in the same category as women/homos. First, I have the fucking game on the TV so if you can’t read screen, so I most likely will not acknowledge your presence. If I do respond, most likely I will make up the teams just to laugh at you later.
2. Don’t ask the score of the game on the TV. See rule #1. It is ok to ask another games score that is not on the TV. Though, if you ask for scores in general I will either A) give you every single game that has played or B) make them up
3. Know sports background before making a comment. All I do all Saturday and Sunday is watch sports. I also spend a good amount of time every week day researching sports articles. If you make some stupid comment like "that Michigan State coach...whats his name...Carr?...yeah he’s really good", or "that Pam Ward had some interesting things to say today", you will receive a dirty look and a golf cart that will die on you on the 4th hole (the farthest point from the clubhouse).
4. Don’t make fun of the Illini. I will have an Illinois jacket on, so please don’t tell me Illinois sucks. Most likely you cannot name an Illini quarterback of the past 3 decades. If your thinking to yourself that wasn’t Chuck Long an Illinois QB? Wrong, you just flunked and have forfeited your right to make fun of the Illini. If you know that Juice went to Chicago Vocational before joining the Orange and Blue, then yes we can have an intelligent conversation on the future of the Illini.
5. Don’t spend all day staring at the screen in front of me. Chances are you have already broken one of the rules and I really would like you to move on now. You are starting to creep me out so GO TO THE BAR and annoy the bartender because most likely you will sound like a football genius to her.
6. FYI: I hate ESPN. Maybe you do have a comment. Dont get ahead of yourself old man, regurgitating what nonsense you heard on ESPN does not qualify. If you are a dead(spin)head like me or comment on an article from withleather.com, you my friend have just earned a free large range bucket.
Thanks for saving me and every sports fan out there a headache. If you do not happen to read this article, you retardeness will be noted in a following article titled, "retards of NW Illinois"
posted by GLOBBal warming @ 3:05 PM
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